some things that increase vampire drain are sentry mode, cabin overheat and the biggest culprit is third party apps that poll your car. also constantly waking the car by checking the status with the app will not help things.
I won't debate the bricking issue but I disagree with your dismissing the concerns because if you allow some third party apps access to the car the vampire drain can be exacerbated by their polling of the car. One time I was away and noticed a 12-16 mile per day drain which I stopped by changing my tesla account password which locked out the third party apps and reduced the drain to two miles a day. a few weeks of 12 mile a day draining will mean you could be returning to a car with no power to get you anywhere.
Tesla will automatically disable things like sentry mode and cabin overheat protection when SOC drops to 20%, but they probably don't do anything to prevent apps from waking up the car in those conditions. So consider disabling third party app access to the car when leaving it parked and unplugged for that long.